This is our free advisory service giving answers to individuals whose emails we receive on [email protected] All individuals whose questions we answer are protected and remain anonymous but the solution given them is shared here to enable others learn from it. Send your personal, addiction or marriage related worries to the email above and we will try to help. I may not be able to answer every question but you can visit our blog for materials on relationships, marriage and addictions or call +2348109055475 to book a session with Temple Obike.
MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN SNEAKING OUT TO SLEEP WITH PROSTITUTES UNDER THE PRETEXT OF EXERCISING
I just found out 2 weeks ago that my husband has been going out and sleeping with prostitutes. We have been married for 12 years and have 3 children. He seemed to have started this even since the beginning of our marriage.
Since this lock-down period of staying at home, he always goes out around 9pm for his walks. I only discovered that he was always taking an uber to a nearby hotel where he would sleep with prostitutes arranged for him. I started suspecting when he wouldn’t touch me after coming back from his exercise routine. This routine was supposed to have increased his sex drive but it made it lower. I used his thumbprint and opened his phone while he was sleeping to discover his chats, emails from uber detailing his quick trips to the hotel, stange sms credit alerts for short-time hotel bills of 4,000, 3,000 and 1,000 naira going all the way back to 2 years.
I have worked out, improved myself and done many things just to be attractive and worthy but this is crazy. He has been begging and even told me everything i wanted to know as i ask him the questions.He said he’s willing to talk to a therapist for assistance. I have relaxed a bit on the issue and he has been staying home trying to do things right but every time i see him on his phone, i get the urge to see what he is doing? I am afraid if i don’t have sex with him regularly, he may go back to sleeping with them.
Can he change and do i forgive?
Temple Say’s… Yes he can change only if he decides to. If the hotel debit alert texts spans across a 2 year duration then he may be addicted. I’m happy he decided to see a therapist as this would help but the real issue here is YOU. When someone addicted to a habit decides to get help, the people around them are now left to battle the demons the former addict left behind most times. The trust is shaken up, you may doubt everything you already know about him or struggle with your emotions for him but don’t despair.
When couples go from being just the two of us to the “Jolly Five Gang” family, it takes it’s toll. If not handled correctly, couples disconnect. 99% of the couples out there were never prepared for life with children. This life stage for some people especially men is handled by them distracting themselves with addictions or habits. Affairs, alcohol, drugs or sports in some positive cases. Your husband must have convinced himself that he was doing this because he wasn’t getting enough sex. In my article on handling addiciton i explained how addictive patterns can be broken. Hubby is now trying to be a better person now while you are all the way behind struggling with doubt and trust. You need therapy too. Choose a professional therapist around you and go talk to them. You need to unpack some thoughts.
Lastly, don’t ever think more sex will keep him from having an affair. It won’t. Instead you will become increasingly frustrated, unhappy and resentful towards him and it will keep building up. This may take time to heal so seek support like you already begun and forgive him genuinely. This will give you an opportunity to objectively look for real change in him.
Available on Podcast:
MY SPONSOR REFUSED TO ANSWER MY CALLS FOR 3 WEEKS, DO I HAVE A RIGHT TO AT LEAST VENT
I have been dating this older guy in his fifties married with kids. I am twenty-seven years old and currently unemployed. He takes care of me and this is not something i am not proud of. I call him during the first week of the lock-down and everything was cool but he suddenly stopped taking my calls and for over two weeks i tried but nothing. It was so painful because i truly love him though i know it is wrong. He gave enough to take care of myself for another year but i want to change. I started looking online for something to take my mind off him and saw people teaching on forex, head-tie and so on. It helped me cope this three weeks. The reason i am writing is to know if i was wrong in feeling hurt because i told him i was after he called me just two days ago and he was asking what rights i had to be angry or hurt. Thanks
Temple Say’s ….First of all, you are entitled to your emotions. No human being has the rights to judge a fellow man or woman because they expressed an emotion. I don’t judge you as well. I am happy you have already told yourself the truth that the nature of your relationship with him isn’t legitimate and so cannot give you the level of joy you deserve. Secondly, i am happy you have also found out that a married man’s obligation first lies with his wife, children and dependents. This may be part of the reason you could not reach him this period.
You may have just finished the best love-making session with him, your head on his shoulders, your legs sliding up and down his in affection as you listen to his sonorous voice tell you of what you too could become
…but once that phone rings with his wife on the other end, the haste with which your head may be pushed away and the “Shhhh, don’t talk please, it’s MY WIFE” is what every side chick, side man or side-thing MUST always remember. Not even an animal deserves that sudden break in affection.
Having said this, you are already questioning things and this is good, you actively went in search of something to wean you of your dependence on him. That is amazing. Your life is already on track. This COVID-19 struck to emancipate you because all it takes is a break for your head to connect with your heart. We don’t see somethings simply because we have not stepped outside of a situation to evaluate it objectively . Once you have something that can give you a little money, start saving and aspiring for more, then step-down the quality of life you are currently living because it will be hard at first before your new income can start carrying you sufficiently. You are not a toy that is dropped or picked up at will and i think you already figured this out.
MY NANNY LEFT NOW MY HUSBAND HAS TURNED ME TO A SLAVE
I am a married woman with kids, my children are not so grown as my eldest is 8 years old. We had a nanny who has stayed with us for almost four years. She left three months ago because the economic situation got to our house and we agreed to let her go. Besides, her school fees was getting harder to pay coupled with that of my kids. The problem now sir is that my husband now expects me to do all the work she used to do and always complains that the house is dirty and not arranged. He does not help out at all. Please what do i do?
Temple Say’s … I suggest you call your husband and lovingly tell him the stress you are currently under since the nanny left. Tell him the areas you would be happy if he could gradually start helping out with. No aggression, no insults, no double talk just plain old conversation. If this does not work, i advice you to feign being sick or having pains resulting from the roles you had to pick up. Any loving husband would be moved to figure out a way to stop you from breaking down completely. If this does not work, then i can tell you for free that you have a different set of problem in your hands. This second suggestion may appear deceitful but dear reader, if something isn’t done, it will be the real case. Some men need a measure of “motivation” to get them to act.
This is something many families are facing now and i believe this is going to help someone out there. Ma’am, i’d like to hear how successful this strategy was. Do get back to me as i’d like us to solve this.
Answers by Obike Temple
A Counselor, psychotherapist, brand-Sage and entrepreneur who has counseled over three-hundred couples, individuals, substance abuse and grief-stricken clients.
For more information on related issues and to schedule an appointment with “Temple’s Counsel” visit our counseling page, chat us up via our website or send a whatsapp message to +2348109055475.
International Appointments are scheduled within 24 hours when clients make payments via this link here and then sending an email with the receipt of payment to [email protected]