Masturbation Addiction & How to Recover is our topic for today. I believe millions of people who are addicted to masturbation may have been asking the wrong question for many years. Is masturbation right or wrong? This in my humble opinion is the reason this same issue has been shrouded and hushed. People struggling with this habit have been shamed into keeping quiet and they have also learnt to cover up their habits by also speaking out against other people who their sexual struggles are more pronounced as a way of solidifying their moral high-ground.
If we do NOT freely talk about masturbation and how to transition people addicted to this behavior, it will be treated like a taboo and those who struggle with it will device more means to cover this up rather than seek for professional help. I decided to write this piece because i noticed that this topic had become quite significant in the emails that kept pouring into our firstname.lastname@example.org email. For the married folk, the question thickens. Is my masturbation as a married man/woman wrong? Masturbation is NOT a topic to discuss on how wrong or right it is instead it is a topic that has to be approached from a “How i feel after masturbating” angle.
Below are some of the questions that i received and i will attempt to provide clarity to the best of my ability.
Thanks for the write-up’s and help you render by discussing things we all think about but are afraid to say in public or talk about.
Please i am 34 year-old guy, a devout christian, married with 2 kids but my dark secret bothers me too much.
I am obsessed with masturbation. I do this 4 times daily average and i feel really dirty about it. I want to know if this is a bad thing because i have really gone through the bible even to see if there is anywhere it is mentioned but did not find it. I feel spiritually down after masturbating and even when i’m with my wife i have to concentrate really hard to see her there and not anybody else.
I have read many of your articles and tried to use them in my everyday life but please talk about this.
Thank you for trusting me enough to land this on my plate. I will eat it (lol just yanking your chain mein).
I see that the worrisome thing about masturbating for you is the moral implication. You seem to be an active member in your local assembly because anyone who would devour the entire bible searching for masturbation quick-fact’s is sure devout. Since your research took you there but still you found nothing, i will help with that question. However, i will say this, “Concentrate on how masturbation makes you feel after the act because if you keep focusing on what God say’s about it (which is also important), you will almost find reasons to continue on the path”. This is almost like an addict looking for reasons that re-inforces their habit. We already know God wants us in a particular state of mind noble, good report seeking and not feeling guilty, ashamed or esteem-battered.
Going back to your first question, my Sunday school teacher taught me something 25 years ago. It was in Matthew 5:27-30 and It says;
You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Jesus was speaking to people who already knew that adultery was a sin but they were proud and trying to impress themselves with the fact that they were not adulterers. So Jesus moved the cheese. He then told them that even looking at a woman and lusting after her in your heart was also adultery. This meant everyone was guilty. This is my exegesis of that scripture. 95% of all masturbation activities is fueled by pornography and this involves substituting a performer in the video and including one’s self. You didn’t actually sleep with them physically but you did imagine it and masturbated to it by simply watching the clip or magazine etc.
Notice that Jesus did not say that after looking at a woman lustfully, you have committed fornication in your heart. Adultery in my opinion has to do with marriage and fornication has to do with a random individual. So this also tells me that Jesus was almost insinuating that he already had someone destined for every woman and man. Meaning that the lust in your heart was also substituting someone else just like in porn to make you a key player. This substitution is also followed up with wild thoughts even if it was for a nano-second, you have masturbated mentally and most times, the more of these images we pack into our mental suitcase, the more certain it is that physical masturbation isn’t too far away. This is the closest real example i have from the bible on how God feels about masturbation bro.
On your wife, my candid advice to you is this. If your wife has slowly strayed in form, gently and wisely suggest activities that can bring her back as imagining you and another third-party affects things negatively in the bedroom. Please note the underlined words because if this isn’t done properly, you may have a different kind of problem on your hands. Secondly, i advice you join her in this form-regaining activity because for all you care, Bradd Pitt could also be in the room with you guys every time you make love. Just saying bro.Hope it helped.
I’m 49 years old, a mother of 3 and i masturbate 5 times weekly. My husband does not satisfy me as our sexual paces are different and his excessive alcohol intake is the culprit. We have spoken to sex-therapists both locally and abroad but this problem persists and the drinking hasn’t stopped either. This makes me masturbate regularly to keep me from cheating. I hail from the northern part of the country and was privy to be in one of your events at Abuja where someone asked some questions along these lines but not in my context. Coming from a conservative background, i was taught to stick regardless and this is the reason i’m here and still trying to solve this.
Please i need to know if ;
- masturbation is wrong?
- masturbation is also categorized as cheating because i know my husband does not masturbate?
Kindly help with this.
Thanks for your question. Firstly, i’d like to thank you for coming to my group sessions in Abuja. Appreciated.
I believe both of you deserve to be applauded because you actively went in search of solutions. With what you’ve written here, i believe the solution is staring us all in the face. Once the level of alcohol reduces things should gradually sweeten up. The only down-side i see is that this is not exactly within your control but your husband’s. So whenever he’s ready to make this lifestyle change, it’s a go.
Until that time arrives, you need to change something at your own end. You need to change the narrative you have created from;
This makes me masturbate regularly to keep me from cheating | TO | This makes me masturbate regularly to cater to my sexual needs at the moment.
The reason for this is simply because we (humans) have a way of attracting what we are most afraid of to ourselves. If you focus too much on NOT cheating, you will unnaturally (almost supernaturally) gravitate towards infidelity.
Let’s answer your questions ma’am asking if;
- if masturbation is wrong? – I answered this question if you read through the entire post below but in a nutshell, the right question is “How do you feel after masturbation?” . You will practice the seven levels deep exercise (explained below).
- if masturbation is also categorized as cheating because i know my husband does not masturbate? – Well, i sense you already feel like you are cheating on him by masturbating. The sheer nature of masturbation entails the need to first of all see something that triggers the need to have sex, then you replace something in that scene and place yourself in there. If your husband is there in the scene it means with a little work, both of you can get right back on top of your sex game. However if the mental scene has you as the star and your co-star is somebody else. Madam i no go lie give you, yawa dey.
It’s not all bad though because you can begin to re-wire your mind by asking your husband to be there while you masturbate. It might sound weird, demeaning or easier said than practiced (you’re right) but if this one gesture is approved by hubby, it will clear your two questions in one move. That’s what we can call “A Queens Checkmate”. Try it out and let me know. Else we go back to the drawing board.
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I think masturbation is taking over every aspect of my life. I’m a working-class woman, Nigerian, still single and actively searching for a man. I have what i believe to be an active sex-life but i seem to prefer masturbation rather than sex itself.
The part that really upsets me is that i really don’t bother improving my relationship skill because masturbation has taken over my natural urge. I have been masturbating for 19 years now and will be 39 years old this September (yes i started early). I have never been abused or raped but this is a habit i picked up in my teenage years after stumbling on my cousin having his bath. Since then, i imagine everyone i want to have sex with in my head.
My only defense is that masturbation helps me avoid living a morally loose lifestyle because i have a high-sex drive. Sometimes at work, i go to the bathroom just to masturbate and this new development was actually what really led me to write to you.
What’s a sister to do please?
If masturbation was a school, you would be in your 3rd year ready to go for your Industrial Training ( 🤭.. just kidding). Now that you smiled a little, i want to tell you that whatever takes over your life is what you ALLOW. You will be surprised that all it takes to break an 19 year-old habit is to replace it with something else. The good news is that this takes between 21 to 27 days.
I’m glad you have been able to see the good aspect of masturbation, which is how it helps you not sleep with every Aliyu, Nnamdi and Sesan. This is also the encouragement 92% of other masturbators out there cite as well.
I’ve treated over fifteen (15) masturbation addiction cases and for each of those cases, two things were at the root of it. Stress and Boredom.
Stress that could emanate from previous experiences in the course of one’s life or current realities. Boredom that slowly creeps into our lives maybe out of monotony, a lack of satisfaction in an aspect of our lives etc. If you can seek out these triggers you can curb the urge, This is a topic i hope to treat expansively at some other time but i’ll tell you the first and last steps to fighting masturbation.
FIRST: Don’t just try to stop it, replace it with another (good) habit
7 other points.
MAY WILL fail a few times, so dust yourself up & let’s go again.
Lastly, you’ve been a really bad girl. Now you’re stealing too? stealing the bosses time for a little “you-time” 🤭.. Well, truth be told, that point you are currently on is a very deadly stage when you’re hooked on masturbation. I know deep down you feel guilty about this part because if not you wouldn’t mention it. This is the part where i tell you the whole truth.
Masturbation by itself would die a natural death if starved. It’s like a needy child always crying for more. The more porno video clips, dirty magazines, raw whatsapp chats, x-rated gossip etc that you engage in, the more you feed it. Have you noticed how you chat with that guy you really liked and after a while just when things seemed to be heating up between the two of you, you went cold on him physically but not emotionally. You go home and fantasize about him or even masturbate with images of him in your head yet physically cold towards him. This has almost nothing to do with you at this point but has everything to do with something happening in your brain’s reward centre. Over time you have re-wired and rewarded your brain continuously with masturbation rather than sex. So you unconsciously abort everything that would normally lead to sex and sabotage it while encouraging everything that would lead to masturbation.
A LITTLE CHAT ON YOUR BRAIN’s REWARD CENTER, DOPAMINE & HABITUATION
A “Reward Center” was created in our brains to ensure our survival as humans. When your brains reward centre is excited, it releases a high level of Dopamine. “Dopamine” is a chemical that creates a pleasing, enjoyable sensation. So, we are likely to repeat any behavior that is necessary for rewarding us with a pleasurable feeling. Normally in nature, these behaviors are sex, food and water.
The sad fact is that hard drugs, masturbation, video games, chocolates, sports (Yes, the last three shocked you. Sad but true) hijack the reward centers. Now here’s the really dangerous part. As a particular activity (e.g masturbation or drug use) occurs frequently, a phenomenom called “Habituation” occurs. This involves a decrease in the level of dopamine so to achieve the same level of excitement, an increase in the frequency of the activity that rewards begins. Let’s get practical about it, masturbating at home no longer satisfies you or rewards your system enough so you begin masturbating at the office, 1 mg of cocaine isn’t enough anymore so you start taking 5 mg, sleeping with many women/men isn’t enough so you start sleeping with them unprotected.
I personally think the topic of masturbation should be approached from a personal angle rather than a moral angle. Since there is no particular part of the bible addressing this, i believe all we have are speculations on what’s God’s standpoint on it is (please show me if any). However, one thing i know is that God has given us certain guidelines to living which he asked us to dwell on. Things of virtue, of good report, moral excellence and he also mentioned what we consider the fruits of the spirit. Islam also has it’s own virtues of charity, philantropy, honesty etc which devouts are expected to function within.
As always, i hope this piece helped someone somewhere. Masturbation isn’t something you should allow it’s associated guilt, shame, feelings of low-esteem and urge sink your dreams, aspirations, time etc. Knowledge they say is power but i say in it’s right application lies real mastery.
Get across to my office with the number below let’s have that chat if you struggle with this and need more help with kicking this habit.
Answers by Obike Temple
A Counselor, psychotherapist, brand-Sage and entrepreneur who has counseled over three-hundred couples, individuals, substance abuse and grief-stricken clients.
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