Why do we always choose to discard things that are NOT broken? – D’Swampmerchant
THE MIND SHIFT – This recent development in Jumoke’s life brings tears to my eyes. This is not a story of who is to blame between the husband or wife (sorry to disappoint some) but a story of being thrown into something too fast without the proper guidance or counselling. I saw some friends and well wishers taking the lass through sessions at the onset of her “Grass to Grace” story. Some did it genuinely but most did it as a way to wiggle into the viral media bubble floating all over town at that moment. However, it takes more than a couple of weeks of handling to bring this lady to a point where she and her husband would attain marital “cruise control”. The same reason their marriage is on the rocks happens to be the same reason a $100,000,000 lottery prize-winner still goes broke if a quick mental shift isn’t initiated. It takes constant re-affirmation to get Jumoke from her former mind-set to that of a winner but i do not know if anyone also took that same time to advice her that sometimes, it takes a real “heeled” winner to understand that loosing some verbal spiffs is actually the real victory because if you live with a man who your success carries along, it’s only insensitive to try and win every argument without his “ego” being bruised. I sense this was what he meant when he (Jumoke’s hubby) accused her of being disrespectful. Women, did you wonder why everything you did to make your husband happy after he lost his job looked like you were pouring fuel into naked flames. It was not in what you were doing, it was in how you weren’t doing it. The first thing a man looses if not well managed after a job loss is his self-confidence. The best thing at that point is what only a few wise women understand. Many will argue with it but i will still say it anyways. “Route at least 75 – 90%” of your input into the family, extended family upkeep, projects, School Fees etc.” Through him! This is one of the few ways if not the only way wise women tell their husbands “I STILL RESPECT & BELIEVE IN YOU BABY”. Dear sister, any friend who advises you otherwise citing examples of men who left their wives after they bounced back tell them Temple Obike said that they lie. Even a wayward man can be loved to repentance, that’s a story for another day. For you guys out there who have wives who you feel are not adding the quota of value you expected, hear this. One day in her shoes, dilligently preparing food, taking care of the home front and battling with the thought that some strange woman who is “all that” might just be at the centre of it all for you WILL DRIVE YOU CRAZY! Cut the lady some slack and remember that if some other bloke laid a hold on her, he could turn her to the most admirable thing on earth, and i’m not even talking about money here.. Go home hold her hands, look her in the eye and say THANK YOU BABY. This simple gesture could save you from a whole lot. (how did i get here)?
EGO vs OPINION – For every new move in your life, there is a mind-set shift required. For a man who was used to a certain level in Life to be immediately surrounded by flashes and flares and a woman who used to hawk bread to become an overnight celebrity, it takes real wisdom to handle this situation. The man (maybe due to deep seated esteem issues) might feel irrelevant and the woman (owing to new found status) may exercise overt control on certain things without attempting to massage her spouses ego. Over a period this will turn into contempt on the man’s part which would be seen by the woman as envy. If more time passes by without either party trying to solve the issue, it becomes full-blown disdain. We live in a world where women are encouraged to be very vocal. As a father of four lovely daughters, i teach my girls to always have an opinion about a matter but whether they choose to voice it or not remains their choice.. BUT in having an opinion dear sisters, let’s not be robots or think we are dealing with one in the opposite gender. Men are hunter-gatherers (so cliche, i know) and when a hunter gatherer becomes a carer – nurturer, especially under some circumstances that are not particularly within his control, fairly regular VALIDATION is required ladies. Superman needs to also take off his cape sometimes and assume the fetal position but most of the women miss out on this intense bonding moment between them and their spouse for the flimsiest of reasons… Guys, this also applies to that tough-strong “i-can-do-it-all-by-myself” woman you married. The risk is this. If you do miss that moment. Some other people on the outside see that moment and choose to fill-in for you until you are less busy but quite rampant these days, many of them refuse to stand up for you o when you come back in to seat. This is the point we then factor in the third element.
THE WOLVES- For every time you come into unexpected fame, wealth or substance, there are not-so-friendly friends who will rally to welcome you into a fold you have no business being in. It’s agreed that we need people of a certain mind-set to enable us aspire for a better version of ourselves but not all of them come with good intentions. This man has accused Jumoke of “Infidelity” in the same sentence as he mentioned disrespect. I choose not to believe any of this but women, have you noticed that most men would play the disrespect and infidelity card whenever they are either 1)Looking to escape a relationship or 2) Genuinely have their ego’s crushed. This is because 98% of the men out there were not taught to pivot their emotions on more substantial things than money and status (which honestly is a tough thing to do considering the number of inconsiderate men out there who would gladly throw money all over the place to get the attention of anything in skirts, somebody’s wife or not). The world of fashion modelling, acting and showbiz generally has not been known to be without it’s set of fleshly roadblocks and temptations and this chap is right if he believes Jumoke is cheating on him. This is the point i advice Jumoke to not stand on her stance of “He hasn’t said anything to me and go to her husband again(assuming she’s done it before and it didnt work) and kneel before him and be a warrior in heels who decides to loose this one battle but win the WAR, it’s cold out there darling Jumoke and most of the men and women who urge you on go home to beds so big and comfy but cuddling loneliness and depression. As much as i wouldn’t advice anyone in an abusive marriage/relationship to stick to it, i would advice you and hubby (yes, i still call him that) to try one more time at making things work… Even if it means turning your back on friends, family members and taking this to a proper marriage counselor. It’s well worth it.
Well, i need to get back to my hustle. My good people, Let’s share this until it gets to Sunday or Jumoke. Let them understand that many have had it worse but still remained together. It’s not just about them but about the little one involved. Wisdom is my principal and i do not joke with it. I pray you guys come together and that God shows up mightily for both of you. AMEN.
Written by – Temple Obike (The Needle Eye)
