Today’s episode of let’s talk is, “I think my partner lied to me about their sexual orientation”. This issue around Sexual Orientation is one many marriages and relationships are grappling with. However, my entire discussion today will be focused on this issue within the context of a marriage because of the associated trauma it comes with. If faced in a relationship, the door is still wide open and the affected party can walk if they choose to. Within a month, i received three emails that made me decide to write on this topic that has a lot of people trapped behind what they consider their mistakes for fear of ridicule or confusion on how to move on from that point. The most painful thing for many is that one day you are a “Free”man or woman and the next you are a crime accessory because after-all, same-sex relationships are a crime in this part of the world.
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I am 58 years old and a i run a
^$*#()##^@)! business in Nigeria. I married my wife 23 years ago and our union or whatever it is now has been blessed with 2 grown children. My wife is friendly and always appreciates other people as much as she can. Her jovial nature attracts people to her. Since our marriage, i have always held her in high esteem and respected her. I provide for my family and we are devout Christians who are very active in church and also respected there.
I recently discovered that the female nannies, friends who always supposedly came into the country and needed a few days to settle in before getting a hotel they could stay in were all my wife’s sexual partners. My first encounter came as i got out of a shopping mall in Lagos and a little boy of about 12 years handed me a flyer which i gladly received. He then ran off and on opening the flyer it had the message. “(“My Name” Your Wife is a Lesbian”. I was weak at the knees but composed myself and drove off. On getting home i was fighting the urge to call or talk to her about this but i started watching her. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, she left to go shopping with our nanny. I had a strange feeling as i had been battling mistrust and followed her. On doing so, they went to the supermarket and shopped, then instead of coming home, they drove 30 minutes to an entirely different LGA and stopped at a hotel which i couldn’t believe my wife would even enter on an entirely normal day. I took pictures of her car parked inside there and after one hour eighteen minutes they came out and left. I went into the hotel and tipped the young man i saw there informing him that there was a lady who just left that i was attracted to. He laughed and told me she may not be interested because she was an influential “Male Lesbian” who always brought her partners to their hotel for almost 3 years now. This was all the confirmation i needed.
To nip this story, i confronted her with these facts after digging through her phones (something i’ve never done) and after much denial she agreed. Begging me to help her change as she has been living with the secret for years. The list contained nannies, friends who stayed over and most painfully my 16 year old niece at the time. I really need some advice because my health, career and more are nosediving. I want to file for a divorce but at this moment i’m not sure of anything i’m doing. Please help me.
Temple Say’s – Firstly, i’d like to mention that you are not alone as many of such reveals are prevalent in the society we live in now. Clarity is what i believe you need from all of this and i would try my possible best to provide it. The first positive about your story is that your children are grown adults and past their formative years. I have read your story and one thing that also seems to be an issue you may have is the fact that both of you are well rooted and involved in church and this is obviously a major part of the reason you opted to come for me. This brings me to the second advice. Divinity and Humanity are two very separate concepts. Your wife is a human being with her flaws and all. So forget about your ego crush, the fear of church members finding out, loosing your respect with colleagues, doubting your ability to observe things etc. and focus on solving a problem (your wife said it was not me) a human being has. This objectivity will also help you not overtly spiritualize the issue (God allowed it happen, God why me, Is this an attack…). –
Now looking at her sexual orientation, she is obviously a bi-sexual who can relate with both sexes. The fact that she goes to hotels and most of her partners passed right under your home means she has become slightly reckless but deliberate with the lifestyle pointing to a high irresistible pull by this orientation which she has struggled with for years.This is risky sexual behavior that usually takes a lot of time to hit it’s peak (..and she has had that amount of time). Considering how long she has lived this way, it is difficult to conclude right now if she truly wants to change or simply said it because you caught up with it. However, the other way is to get her to seek out a professional near her. who she can honestly speak with. This will help her unpack and go back to the roots of the lifestyle in question. Regardless of how her session goes, there are usually three options people arrive at when faced with a situation like yours in “more tolerant” societies and they are;
1)Decide to live together & present a united front to the world
2) The affected partner receives support from their spouse in seeking out “mixed-orientation groups” that can help them integrate and accept themselves. This is under the assumption that the affected partner hasn’t already found one for themselves
3) Get Divorced or Live Separately.
Lastly, on the part of your niece, It was NOT your fault. This was actually child abuse because your niece was actually still a minor however we chose to look at it. This in my opinion is the major reason i think she needs to see a therapist because an element of molestation has been introduced to this dynamic. The first time a young kid brought the flyer was most likely the doings of a hurt lover and the second time you got the information was the confirmation provided by providence itself. These are the points i could bring out from this but whatever your decision is, let it be truly yours.
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I’m a 28 year old woman and i live in Abuja with my husband. My husband and i have been married for 2 years. The first three months of this our marriage i found pictures of male celebrities local and international on his phone with some picture of male pen*@es. I confronted him with this and he said he wants to build himself physically to look like them and also have a bigger man*%od. I found this odd because i was not complaining about any of this. I requested that he delete them all but deep down started suspecting he was lying about his sexual preference.
Just three days ago, i needed a laptop and mine was bad so i decided to use an old laptop which he had abandoned for months after his office gave him a new one in February this year. The laptop didn’t have any files on it so i decided to use it more permanently until i fixed mine. On connecting it to the home wifi to send out the job i had rounded up, messages started popping in from various chat applications that went online including an old yahoo email. All from gay chat rooms and hermaphrodites. I went to his yahoo email and saw porn videos he had been saving there. He is definitely gay and now i know why he is not able to maintain an erection when it is time for us to make love as a couple. I am broken and humiliated. I don’t deserve this and not this early. He has left the house after i confronted him about it and has switched off his phone. Please do i leave the house or do i stay? do i tell my parents my husband lied to me about his sexual preference. They live in Abuja here too? please help me.
Temple Say’s – My heart goes out to you on this issue. You will be fine. Firstly you didnt say anything about leaving with your children so i’m assuming there are no kids (i’d like you to call our office). You confronted him the first time and it later turned out your suspicion was true. I have already dealt with the points in the first question i answered but i will say something tailored to your situation.
Leaving the house and switching off his phone could be as a result of anger that you confronted him, shame of not knowing how to deal with the sudden reveal or confusion. Whatever reason it is, i advice you to not stay alone at home. Go to your parents house if you can stay there without letting them know what is happening until you finally get to speak to your husband. You need to hear him out too. I really do not know the maturity level of your friends but i can tell you for free that some stories become a burden to the people who hear it and they won’t rest until they tell someone else. So knowing this, be wise in this regard. Your parents need to know but i believe you need to hear your husbands side of the story as spouses sometimes decide to keep these things a secret after discussing it. As healthy or unhealthy a decision as this might be, hear him out first. I know your self-esteem may be hurting a bit and your trust-levels dipping but cheer up lady. No one has the ability to take all those away from you unless you give it to them. Call our office and ask to speak to me. Simply tell them it’s “Minnie Mouse” calling and i’ll remember (don’t worry, they won’t laugh). I’d like to know how it goes with both of you.
It’s quite sad how people get trapped on the wrong side of a sexual orientation because a partner decided to be dishonest to themselves first and to another. If you are a Lesbian or Gay man who knows that they will always revert to this default orientation, do NOT get married to prove a point to the world or take it a step further by having children. You will be deceiving yourself and setting-up an entire family system for future hurt.
Your best line of action is to remain single until you have figured out entirely how you want to handle this sexual orientation and then confidently proceed with your life.
I hope these answers helped you all. There is an article that addresses this issue which i had given practical steps that could help. I hope the the discussion on “My Partner Lied to Me About Their Sexual Orientation” helped.
Answers by Obike Temple.
Temple Obike is a licensed marriage and family therapist, speaker, author and psychotherapist who has counseled over one thousand, two hundred clients comprising of couples, individuals, abuse victims (substance, physical, emotional and sexual) and grief-stricken clients. With over 70,000 in-counseling minutes (1,000+ hours) accrued in practice. He runs his private psychotherapy & counseling practice out of Lagos, Nigeria and has counseling centers in Abuja and Port-Harcourt. His practice also provides options for both online and on-site services.
His private practice has positively empowered lives through his online counseling, podcasts, free advisory services and free online materials. Readership of his articles also receive a growing number of visitors alongside subscriptions to his email newsletter at templeobike.com. His passion for empowering and uncovering the secrets to lifelong marriages and personal development led to his new book titled “Soul Bodega” available on amazon and across other online and traditional stores.
Never give up on yourself! You are a journey happening through various destinations.