The Power and Control Wheel was created by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP) in 1984 to both help victims of domestic violence and to educate abusive men. Through focus groups with survivors, they developed a wheel outlining the most common tactics of abusive partners. In contrast with the Cycle of Violence, the Wheel doesn’t imply these experiences happen in a certain order, but rather, in combination, denote a pattern of power and control, the two facets that hold the wheel together at its center.
DAIP explained that they choose to be gender-specific with the wheel because men have been shown to commit the vast majority of domestic violence assaults.
“Making the Power and Control Wheel gender-neutral would hide the power imbalances in relationships between men and women that reflect power imbalances in society. By naming the power differences, we can more clearly provide advocacy and support for victims, accountability and opportunities for change for offenders, and system and societal changes that end violence against women.”
Understanding the Power and Control Wheel: Breaking Free from Toxic Cycles
Power can be used to uplift, protect, and empower, but in unhealthy relationships, it becomes a tool for manipulation, fear, and domination. When power is abused, it turns into control, stripping individuals of their autonomy, voice, and self-worth.
One of the most powerful tools for understanding abusive dynamics is the Power and Control Wheel, developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project. This model visually represents the different ways abusers exert control over their victims, often without the use of physical violence.
But abuse is not always obvious. It is not just slaps, bruises, or shouting matches—it can be subtle, insidious, and deeply psychological. Many people are trapped in toxic cycles without even realizing they are being controlled.
How do you recognize the signs? How do you break free from the invisible chains of psychological abuse? And more importantly, how do you reclaim your power after years of being diminished?
The Power and Control Wheel helps answer these questions by shedding light on the hidden dynamics of abusive relationships.
Psychological Control: The Abuse You Can’t Always See
Why Emotional Abuse is Harder to Recognize
When people think of abuse, they often picture black eyes, broken bones, and loud arguments. But many survivors never experience physical violence. Instead, they endure something more covert and destructive—psychological control.
This type of abuse operates in the shadows of everyday interactions:
- Gaslighting – Making you question your own memory or sanity (“That never happened, you’re imagining things.”)
- Emotional Manipulation – Using guilt, shame, or threats to force compliance (“If you really loved me, you’d do this.”)
- Isolation – Cutting you off from friends and family (“They don’t really care about you. You don’t need them.”)
- Financial Control – Limiting access to money or sabotaging your independence (“You can’t handle finances, let me take care of it.”)
“At first, these behaviors may seem harmless or excusable, but over time, they erode self-esteem and create dependence. The victim starts questioning their own judgment, instincts, and self-worth—until they feel too weak to leave.”
The Psychological Damage of Control
When someone exerts power over another, they create an environment of fear, doubt, and self-suppression. Victims often experience:
✔ Hypervigilance – Always walking on eggshells, afraid of triggering anger
✔ Self-Doubt – Believing they are “too sensitive” or “crazy”
✔ Emotional Numbness – Disconnecting from their true feelings as a survival mechanism
✔ Dependence on the Abuser – Feeling incapable of making decisions alone
Over time, the abuser’s voice replaces the victim’s inner voice, leading to self-abandonment and confusion.
When was the last time you trusted your own instincts without fear of someone’s reaction?This is usually one of my first questions when handling abuse cases.
The Eight Tactics of Power and Control: How Abuse Operates in Daily Life
Breaking Down the Wheel
The Power and Control Wheel outlines eight tactics used to dominate and manipulate a partner. These strategies don’t always happen at once—they are often slowly introduced and intensified over time.
The Eight Forms of Control
- Using Intimidation – Creating fear through threats, destruction, or gestures.
- Emotional Abuse – Constant criticism, humiliation, and degradation.
- Isolation – Cutting off outside support systems to increase dependence.
- Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming – Making the victim feel responsible for the abuse.
- Using Children – Guilt-tripping or threatening to take children away.
- Economic Abuse – Controlling access to money or job opportunities.
- Using Male Privilege – Enforcing strict gender roles as justification for control.
- Coercion and Threats – Using force, blackmail, or threats to maintain control.
At its core, this cycle of control is about power—keeping the victim “You” trapped in a state of fear, self-doubt, and dependency.
How Control Feels Like a “Trap”
One of the hardest parts of recognizing abuse is the manipulative cycle that keeps people from leaving. Victims often feel:
- Confused – “Maybe it’s not that bad. Maybe I’m overreacting.”
- Guilty – “They do nice things sometimes, so I shouldn’t complain.”
- Fearful – “What if I leave and no one believes me? What if they come after me?”
- Hopeless – “I’ll never be strong enough to leave.”
This is how power and control thrive—by making the victim believe they have no other choice.
What would you do differently if you knew you deserved better? This would be a question you need to ask yourself. Do notthink about cash i hand or the kids. Imagine you were already empowered enough to make this deciscion, what would you do differently?
Reclaiming Your Power: How to Break Free from the Cycle
The Process of Healing
Leaving an abusive situation is not just about walking away—it’s about rebuilding your sense of self. The emotional damage from years of manipulation, gaslighting, and control doesn’t disappear overnight. Healing requires:
✔ Awareness – Recognizing the abuse for what it is
✔ Self-Trust – Reconnecting with your own inner voice
✔ Boundaries – Learning how to protect yourself from toxic influences
✔ Emotional Healing – Processing the trauma and restoring self-worth
Steps to Reclaim Your Power
- Validate Your Reality – Writing down your experiences helps separate truth from manipulation.
- Rebuild Your Identity – Control strips away individuality. Start making small, independent choices.
- Strengthen Your Support System – Reconnect with trusted friends, family, or support groups.
- Develop Financial Independence – If financial control was used, start saving money or exploring new career options.
- Seek Professional Help – Therapy can help untangle the mental and emotional confusion left by abuse.
The journey isn’t about finding someone to save you—it’s about learning to save yourself.
What is the first step you can take today to reclaim your power? Get out a piece of paper and start writing.
Rewriting Your Story: You Deserve More Than Survival
Healing from power and control isn’t just about escaping abuse—it’s about rediscovering your own strength, self-worth, and identity.
Many survivors struggle with:
- Guilt – Feeling responsible for the abuse
- Shame – Wondering why they “allowed” it to happen
- Fear – Not knowing what comes next
But here’s the truth:
“Abuse is never the victim’s fault. The problem was never you—it was the power someone else stole from you”.
Healing is about:
✔ Finding your voice again
✔ Reconnecting with your emotions without fear
✔ Learning to trust yourself and your choices
You are not weak for enduring. You are not broken because of what happened. You are reclaiming yourself, piece by piece.
Are you ready to take the first step toward a life free from fear?
📩 value@templescounsel.com
📩 templescounsel@gmail.com
Does This Wheel Feels Familiar to You … Now What?
If it resonates with you or what’s going on in your relationship, it may be helpful to talk to a trained domestic violence advocate or counselor. They can help you better understand abuse, formulate a safety plan and assess what level of danger you may be in. These danger assessments can also be useful in putting things in perspective.
Written by Temple Obike
Temple Obike is a licensed marriage and family therapist, speaker, author, and psychotherapist who has counseled over three thousand, two hundred clients, including couples, individuals, abuse victims, and those struggling with grief. He runs a private psychotherapy and counseling practice in Lagos, Nigeria, with additional centers in Abuja and Port Harcourt. His work has positively impacted lives through online counseling, podcasts, and free advisory services. His latest book, Soul Bodega, explores the secrets to lifelong relationships and personal growth.
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